Strip clubs or like some people prefer to call them Gentlemen clubs, are attracting major attention of late in town. With at least one strip club in almost all streets in town, it must be serious business.
Strip clubs are actually illegal in Kenya. They operate as bars/ restaurants. The Kenyan penal code doesn’t differentiate between stripping and prostitution therefore both are classified as misdemeanors attracting a maximum of 3,000 bob. With that sort of loophole and the obvious reluctance by relevant authorities to close them down, it seems like they are here to stay. With that said, below is a list of the top strip clubs in the CBD.
- SMALL WORLD STRIP CLUB
This joint should not even feature in the list. Its Quite popular though and hence i have to make a review about it. Located on a lane just off river road and on the 5th floor of an old building that has no lifts, this is a place you will certainly not visit twice.The first thing that you notice after entering the club is this huge hall with terrible lighting. The joint looks like a church hall, only that there are counters and stripping poles. The VIP section is also a shitty area, but when you are paying 1 sok to enter, you cant complain. The strippers lack the art of working the pole, and you can hear revelers complaining about it and some even hurling insults at the ladies.Most of those strippers are prostitutes from river road trying to earn an extra buck.. its rare to see guys tipping them. You will leave this joint dissapointed and angry. If kplc acts up, you will have to make due with lanterns, they don’t own generators.
- TAHITI CLUB
Another club located along river road. Its a relatively small club with the balcony serving as the VIP section. The music is loud, so loud that you can almost see you beer bottle moving around the table. The DJ is a cunt though. you might think that you are chilling somewhere in Kampala when he decides to go Ham on Ugandan songs.. The strippers are gorgeous [well at least a majority] At around 11pm, the strippers work the poles with bikinis and bras and as time goes, lose everything. The moves they do, take time to learn and do safely [yes like wrestlers].. beers are relatively cheap here, at 130 bob and shots for as low as 70 bob, you cant complain.Overall its a nice joint, you wouldn’t want to leave the club early though, for your own security. River road is not friendly at those late hours.
A sister club to the renowned Florida pack of night clubs, its located along Moi Avenue in the same building that Florida 2000 is located. Actually you use the same entrance to F2.After 11pm, the music is usually very loud. with jungus and hindu guys preferring this club. This is definitely a high end joint, Sudanese are also spotted making it rain here.it is a sight to behold watching the strippers work those golden poles. It gets so crazy when guys start stuffing dollar bills in the strippers genitals. With a clientele list of Oliech, Wyclef Jean and Akon, its obvious who their targets are. Maintaining your lane is the hint here.
Located along Gaborone road, this is the pioneer of stripping business in town. They literally set the trend in the industry. With strippers from as far as Brazil and USA, they are obviously serious about what they do.The joint is always crowded, but i would recommend Thursdays Kamasutra night. it is usually not as crowded hence the strippers give guys special attention.
If you have never visited the VIP area of Applebeez, you are definitely not living right. Its kinda dark, no one would spot you getting a hand job or lap dance with that lighting. All types of ladies are represented, #teamsmallboobs #teambigbooty everyone is catered for. This is where great moments are made, Fuck Kodak moments.
I still haven’t decided whether its heaven or hell.
Located along keekoroke road, this is the one joint edging out Apple beez as the ultimate Nairobi’s top strip club. The music is so loud here, that you have to shout to order a drink.Its not as dark as Apple beez, but it isn’t that bright either. Beers retail at 250 bob and they even give you ETR receipts after purchase. a well managed club this is.
From 11pm, porn plays in the 42” plasma TV’s. If that doesn’t put you in the mood, nothing can. Alcohol with the background of loud music, porn on the screens as strippers defy the laws of gravity causes such an adrenaline rush. Not a good idea for premature ejaculators though. After Midnight, strippers chuck all manner of dressing and the show begins.. Its a very convenient place for team illicit brews who can dash to the opposite club. swallow and return to the club. Last time i was there at around 2PM, guys were given the chance to have sex with the strippers in the open [with condoms of course] for free drinks and tickets. Guys were like YOLO…… and actually did it. This is arguably the most popular strip club in town.
If you are a guy who has never been to a strip club, you are a disgrace to men and should have your man card revoked. Even women are going to strip clubs, whats your reason?
Reggae music has recently invaded kenyan airwaves by storm with major radio stations trying to squeeze in a riddim or two in their playlist. The genre of music which is very popular in Jamaican society has somehow infiltrated our society in a major way. The influence of the genre was so high that two radio stations, ‘metro fm and homeboyz owned ‘uptown radio’ had dedicated their entire playlist to playing this genre of music.(thank God they later collapsed)
Economically riddims have contributed to high employment especially in the ”deejaying” sector with every Tom, Dick and Harry calling themselves DJ. In my assessment, if riddims were somehow banned, a good 85% of kenyan dj’s would end up in the unemployment line.
Majority of the reggae artistes promote violence which has also led to increase in criminal activities. some of these songs make it seem acceptable to just hurt or kill someone without showing any form of remorse. With news of reggae artistes being arrested and jailed every single week,they fail to understand that some kid somewhere in kenya look up to them.That is exactly where seeds of rebellion and discontent are implanted into these young niggas who later view the government/ police to be in some part of a conspiracy against their pathetic selves. Young kids are now exposed to music videos that look like flicks from porn hub… speaking of which, have ya all checked the ‘gyal a bubble video” that sums up what direction reggae music has taken of late.
It is very easy to spot these riddim delinquents from far. they tend to prefer wearing very skinny jeans, safari boots and small back packs similar to those used by kindergarten kids. Ironical though coz most of them can’t read a book if their life depended on it. They prefer hanging out in backstreet joints, carrying paper bags full of khat, always complaining about something or plotting how to loot. These guys are the same ones who in high school hated taking showers, always heckling in class, stealing text books and pens and the leaders to any form of strike.
The genre of music is not necessarily exclusive to those who hail from the ghetto. Nope, the tables have turned. With uptowm clubs like changes and rez hosting reggae nights, its a whole different crowd. There are no more conscious rastas left, those bastards dissapeared when riddims took centre stage.
Teenage pregnancies and std’s are prevalent with ladies who subscribe to this genre of music. Ladies who listen to riddims, mostly like hanging out with groups of guys, they also tend to enjoy sexual orgies with these std infested male whores. These ladies also have trenches between their legs which they pass for vaginas, with the average of them having more sexual experience than a majority of heir elder relatives. They are the same ladies who befriend conductors and never pay for transport fares. Their vaginas have more hits from conductors than the matatus they travel in. These ladies are pushed to reggae lifestyle from events that occurred to them in their childhood. most were sexually abused by close relatives and somehow find solace in the rebellious teachings found in reggae music.
In conclusion, i am drunk and need another drink. its not like you are paying for this shit anyway, see my next blog for the conclusion.
A philosopher once described religion as the opium of the masses! As outrageous as that might sound, i think it’s a fair assesment, atleast in our local setting. We have heard of sick patients refusing to take medication, and even others selling all their earthly belongings awaiting dooms day all in the name of religion.
It would be impossible to discuss all the major religions, and so i will use christianity as a case study.
Churches basically have been turned to money making institutions. Evangelists have perfected the art of ‘brainwashing’ (for lack of a better word) their followers to take their words for gospel truth, without questioning or raising a finger.
Religion is founded on supersticion and myth. When man did not understand anything that was of natural phenomena, he chose to run to the easy and simple belief that it was a divine creation.
Churches are now run by shrewed businessmen who preach water and drink wine. Its not news to hear of pastors who frequent strip clubs, bars, some fornicating with people’s wives, and in the case of one father kizito, having carnal knowledge with young boys.
Churches like political parties, try to maintain a certain status quo. Those who make huge donations are given ‘vip’ treatment, to the extent of even being reserved for, frontline seats. Religion tends to disallow free thought, enquiry or even criticism. Those who dare are branded as enemies of God.
To support my school of thought, i will make a few refferences.
1. Gilbert deya.
The kenyan born moved to the UK and started a number of churches. He claimed to have supernatural powers that allowed him to magically impregnate infertile women. How people actually believed that crap, is beyöd my comprehension.
Pastor Kiuna’s wife, kathy organised a birthday donation for a Range Rover for her hubby. Practically begging the congregation to chip in for the donation. She had done the same thing earlier and bought him a land cruiser. The couple live in a posh runda house in runda, unlike the majority of the congregation who hail from poverty stricken areas. The irony in this case, is the words that kathy used when fundraising. ”will you people allow your dad to ride in that land Cruiser? Lets buy him a range rover sport For his birthday”
Its all about business! Those who make the biggest donations, Get the ‘best blessings’ There’s even the minimum you can Give as offering!
It was this year when pastor Bishop David Oyedopo Of Nigeria bought his fourth private jet for (wait for it) … 30m $. Yes 30 freakin million $.
I wonder whether these churches Would allow Jesus to enter if he Dare showed up in torn clothes. Last year when a grenade was Thrown at a crusade, it was suggested that the church was behind It to gain sympathy from people. I’m not sure whether that claim Is outrageous at all. We all saw what the church did during the pev!
I can’t overlook the good things that the church has initiated. Like televised gospel where the Mpesa number is more legible than the bible verses being quoted.
In conclusion, i’m not opposed to evangelists living large, I have a problem with them doing it at the expense of poor Kenyans. Religion has failed in my opinion and its about time we did away With this form of mental slavery.
It was the first Friday of 2012 around 9 pm or thereabouts when a few pals and i decided to go out on a serious drinking spree. Seasons on old mutual was the location, and what a cool club it was.
So anyway it didn’t take long too woo these group of fly mamis, who were sitted at the counter.I have never met a more outgoing group of ladies than that bunch.Her name was Alicia, the gorgeous lass that caught and captured my heart and imagination.or at least thats what the alcohol in my system made me believe.She was quite an eye candy although she had this really annoying accent (nyeri i presumed) After chatting with her for a while i come to the conclusion that she was the proverbial ‘beauty with no brains’ i could literally feel my IQ dropping as i chatted with her.For some reason she had this urge to impress me.She fed me with this story that reeked of mediocrity.She apparently was a fourth year ‘law student’ at the UON campus. not at parklands but at Kabete campus. I bet she couldn’t spell ‘constitution’ if her life depended on it. Being a gentleman i pretended to be impressed with her and let it slide. after all its not her brains that i wanted to nail.
To even the game i fed her with this fake story of how i was an official of the UN working with the government to reduce corruption in the judiciary.I made that up in the heat of the moment and was surprised she even bought the lame story.I even told her that we were hiring, which got her really interested. In my experience, and you can try this, the most effective strategy of banging a chick who is still in school, is by promising her that you will try and secure her a job.You will tap her on the first date i kid you not.
At about midnight i was certain of banging Alicia, i had to separate her from her girlfriends lest they decided to cock block me.Ladies who go out in groups, take good care of their own.Thats a lesson ive learnt over the years.If you are planning to bang one, you must play your cards right and attempt separating her from them. If you fail to do so, then you better pray that your lotion supply at home is okay.
I had heard Alicia complain that she had skipped dinner and was hungry.i bought the ladies a round of drinks and asked for their their permission to go buy Alicia a quick bite. To my surprise they didn’t object, I left them with the thirsty hands of my pals and left promising to be back in a few.(like anybody ever returns to a bar after excusing themselves ) So anyway we headed to the nearest food joint which was zeep just opposite Hilton at the corner of Kimathi street.After a bite i convinced her that we should check out bettys, she offered no objection whatsoever.
Bettys turned out to be a really awesome joint that night, the music was on point and the crowd was having fun. i quickly texted my pals and told them that i was off for home.Alicia for some reason refused to consume any alcoholic drink. She only took a few sodas.This should have worried me because i never trust sober people.she was definitely planning something evil.
At around 3:30 a.m i was as drunk as a sailor. I had no intention of remaining at the club and we left.Alicia turned down my suggestion of going home with me, and being the realist i was, i couldn’t contemplate the idea of her going away just like that.I had invested too much in her, it was her turn to return a favor or 69. the drunkards rule state that if you buy a lady who is a stranger to you at that moment more than two drinks, you have the constitutional right of banging her.
She agreed to us spending the night at a guest room in town.Njoro my pal who operates a taxi in the area come in handy that night.He took us to this really nice guest room, somewhere near tea room on accra road.After we were shown to our room, i realized that i had not bought condoms.I however had one in my wallet.So i figured that i would use the single condom and buy a pack just before dawn.Boy was she a freak in the sack!!!
A few rays of sunshine penetrated through the window panels and i woke up with a start.It took a moment to figure out where i was, and who the naked lady next to me was.The sight of her lady lumps caused a reaction in my pants.She woke up almost immediately.
I was not going to hit it without a condom so i suggested that i go buy condoms.She wouldn’t let me, and in turn insisted that she should go get them.In the process of her convincing me, she gave me a blow job from out of this world.Damn she had perfected the art of deep throat sucking.I couldn’t say NO to her after that, and so i let her go buy the condoms.I lay on the bed smiling while holding my penis in anticipation of her return.
A few minutes turned into 30 and then an hour.By then my boner had retracted and i was now worried.I jumped out of bed and dressed up.my instincts told me to check my wallet, and when i did, i nearly had a heart attack.it was as empty as a brothel in the Vatican. i paced around the room, looked under the bed,removed the bedsheets and even checked my socks.Thats when i realized that she had just played me like a bitch.Fortunately my phone was still there though.Being an optimist i prefer to think of the incident as the day i paid for the most expensive blow job. Its a good thing i knew a few conductors at the stage.
As if that wasn’t enough drama for the year, two months later, i receive a phone call from this lady with a nasty accent, who had no recollection of who i was, but was certain we had met somewhere.Apparently, i had given her my number.When i asked for her name, she said Alicia. Who knew that karma the bitch could work so fast.It was now my turn to serve a cold dish of revenge.I smiled as i put my phone down…… *TO BE CONTINUED*